Representing Fat People

If you're fat, please, PLEASE follow some basic rules to help maintain/improve our standings within the community. There are lots of stereotypes that we must work to overcome if we're ever going to be taken seriously. I mean, lots of alcoholics and porn addicts have respected positions, simply because their vices can be hidden.

1. When eating with a large group of people, never make a fuss about how you couldn't possibly finish something, or exclaim how you're just too full to finish your meal. You're fat. You didn't get that way by only eating half of your sub. All you're accomplishing is further isolation from the group, as they're surely stealing glances to one another in amusement.

2. At the grocery store stocking up on pasta, chips and candy, fill your cart with some healthy food, too. For every unhealthy thing you get, get something healthy. 1 carton of milk, get 1 carton of yogurt. For every frozen pizza, get 1 bag of frozen carrots. That way, when you're being checked out, the cashier won't scan crap after crap and know, instinctively without looking up that they're checking out a fatty. Instead, they'll think you have a family (of 6 or more, surely, due to the volume of your purchase) and are just doing your weekly (or monthly) shopping.

3. Wear clothes that fit and are size appropriate. A fat person wearing an "I heart Mayo" shirt is sad, not funny. Just like old people shouldn't wear short skirts, fat people shouldn't wear short anything or tight anything. I don't care if your best friend wears belly shirts, or athletic cut t-shirts; you can't.

4. Don't ever refer to yourself as "chubby." Chubby is a term used for children or pets. Don't fool yourself; adults are fat, overweight, heavy or obese.

5. When you must eat in front of others, maintain proper food etiquette. This means no eating with your mouth gaping, or knocking over glasses in haste, when reaching for extra butter. It is also imperative that you not spill food on yourself, nor finish before everyone else.

6. Don't be the person who always brings up food, or suggests eating. It's too easy to be labeled as a fatty if all that comes out of your mouth is food-food-food. This will keep your friends from seeing you as an eating buddy. Suggest activities that you think will spark an appetite amongst your friends, if you must, but don't be a spazzed out Cookie Monster.

7. Keep your car clean of food wrappers. Co-workers should not walk by your car and say to themselves, "Now that's Sarah's car, FOR SURE."

8. When sharing food with others, do not, under any circumstances be the one to start eating, or to finish it off. You aren't fat, you don't care that there's bacon to be shared- you're not even fat! Keep saying that to yourself.

9. Be aware of yourself while not being self-centered. Your life isn't about food, nor are your relationships. You are not people's "Fat Friend" and the minute someone makes you feel that way, say something to fix it, or get out of the relationship. We're all better than that.